This is my bitch bough because for some reason I am not aloud to voice my opinions. If you are reading this then I am sorry, but I don't have much nice to say.
Today I had an employee not show up. It was my fault of course. I emailed the days I needed subs and he emailed back the shifts that he was able to work. I, of course, emailed back and said thanks and that was awesome. Apparently I did not do enough
According to my fearless leader I should have called, text, and sent a certified letter. Ok, I am exaggerating on that last one. Whatever I do it is wrong and not good enough. I should have done more. I should have done better. So and so does it different and it works for them.
I think my heart froze. I am finding it hard to care anymore. I had to take 3 happy pills just to get out of the car at Miracle League. What difference does it make if I help? It sure isn't noticed or appreciated.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Frustrations
6/2/2015
I have not been as diligent as I would like in writing my thoughts down. I have been having a tremendously hard time.
On April 17, 2015 my Pop passed away. I have never felt pain the way I did on that day. I still cannot believe that I will never see him again. At least not in this lifetime. I cannot explain or describe how much I miss him and how much I hurt. I truly know that he is in a better place and no longer in pain. But, that does not keep me from hurting. I want my daddy to be there when I get home from work. I want to be able to watch stupid TV with him and complain about him flipping channels. I want to hear him call me to tell me he ran out of gas.
I have been feeling stress at work as well. This past week I had an almost intolerable lifeguard class. It was a class of 6 unbearable teenagers. When did teenagers become so self-entitled? They expect everything to be given to them just because they want it. Parents are just giving them what they want. They do not have to work for anything. The parents will attack anyone who does not just hand over what their children want. The kids and they will actually lie in order to ruin a persons reputation if they are not given what they are demand. I am still completely angry about the way I was screamed at by these parents. I told this group of kids that the class was interactive and participation was necessary. They would seriously just stare at me when I asked them something. I would ask them to do a skill in the water and then have to say, "okay, now actually do it". If I corrected them on something, they would just look at me. I was apparently "picking" on one girl. I am 35 years old. Why in the world would I "pick" on a teenager? It does not even make sense.
I am fortunate to have a boss who is willing to have my back. I am so grateful for me being placed at Fairfield.
On top of everything else, I am missing my kiddos terribly. They left me Friday for vacation with their father. They are in Florida doing things I asked to do the entire time we were married. It shows how much he ever cared about me. I would like to say I wish I never met him, but I would not have my babies without him.
I am so tired: emotionally, physically, and mentally. I need a break from reality. For now, on with this drudge of a life.
I have not been as diligent as I would like in writing my thoughts down. I have been having a tremendously hard time.
On April 17, 2015 my Pop passed away. I have never felt pain the way I did on that day. I still cannot believe that I will never see him again. At least not in this lifetime. I cannot explain or describe how much I miss him and how much I hurt. I truly know that he is in a better place and no longer in pain. But, that does not keep me from hurting. I want my daddy to be there when I get home from work. I want to be able to watch stupid TV with him and complain about him flipping channels. I want to hear him call me to tell me he ran out of gas.
I have been feeling stress at work as well. This past week I had an almost intolerable lifeguard class. It was a class of 6 unbearable teenagers. When did teenagers become so self-entitled? They expect everything to be given to them just because they want it. Parents are just giving them what they want. They do not have to work for anything. The parents will attack anyone who does not just hand over what their children want. The kids and they will actually lie in order to ruin a persons reputation if they are not given what they are demand. I am still completely angry about the way I was screamed at by these parents. I told this group of kids that the class was interactive and participation was necessary. They would seriously just stare at me when I asked them something. I would ask them to do a skill in the water and then have to say, "okay, now actually do it". If I corrected them on something, they would just look at me. I was apparently "picking" on one girl. I am 35 years old. Why in the world would I "pick" on a teenager? It does not even make sense.
I am fortunate to have a boss who is willing to have my back. I am so grateful for me being placed at Fairfield.
On top of everything else, I am missing my kiddos terribly. They left me Friday for vacation with their father. They are in Florida doing things I asked to do the entire time we were married. It shows how much he ever cared about me. I would like to say I wish I never met him, but I would not have my babies without him.
I am so tired: emotionally, physically, and mentally. I need a break from reality. For now, on with this drudge of a life.
Friday, April 10, 2015
CLC
4/10/2015
It was a ridiculously crazy day. I haven't stop since this morning. This weekend is our CLC at Camp Campbell Gard. I truly love being out here. This is peaceful to me. I miss my kiddos though (they are with my mother). I have so many things to do this weekend: 4 ASSIGNMENTS, My kids' soccer games and pictures, clean my house, and do laundry. Yet, here I am sitting in my bunk at camp. I feel so guilty and selfish. My babies need their mama. I need to get good grades on all of this.
It was a ridiculously crazy day. I haven't stop since this morning. This weekend is our CLC at Camp Campbell Gard. I truly love being out here. This is peaceful to me. I miss my kiddos though (they are with my mother). I have so many things to do this weekend: 4 ASSIGNMENTS, My kids' soccer games and pictures, clean my house, and do laundry. Yet, here I am sitting in my bunk at camp. I feel so guilty and selfish. My babies need their mama. I need to get good grades on all of this.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
My Reasons
4/4/15
It is after 3 in the morning. I have too much running through my head. Again. I have thoughts of disappointment, hate, sadness, and so much more. I need to have a place to write this all down and get it off my chest. I don't care if anyone else ever sees it, but I need to "say" it out loud.
Every day I think about all the people I wish loved me: my father, sisters, brothers, my husband didn't even love me. I have very few friends, and those I do have are busy with life. I try my hardest to help others out, but I feel like I am always letting someone down. I can't or won't ask for help for fear of rejection. I don't know what I have done to feel so much hatred. I don't know why I am so unlovable.
I know God is there. I know He cares... I was given two fabulous children. I know my purpose is to raise these kids to be healthy and happy. I could not have asked for better kids. I have a wonderful, beautiful little girl and a smart, ridiculously cute little boy. They make me so proud. They are pretty much the only happiness I have in my life. I do not know what I would do without them. I look at them and do feel pure joy.
I am just tired. Tired of trying and not being happy. Tired of not having the will to take care of myself. Tired of not having any energy. Tired of hating myself.
It is after 3 in the morning. I have too much running through my head. Again. I have thoughts of disappointment, hate, sadness, and so much more. I need to have a place to write this all down and get it off my chest. I don't care if anyone else ever sees it, but I need to "say" it out loud.
Every day I think about all the people I wish loved me: my father, sisters, brothers, my husband didn't even love me. I have very few friends, and those I do have are busy with life. I try my hardest to help others out, but I feel like I am always letting someone down. I can't or won't ask for help for fear of rejection. I don't know what I have done to feel so much hatred. I don't know why I am so unlovable.
I know God is there. I know He cares... I was given two fabulous children. I know my purpose is to raise these kids to be healthy and happy. I could not have asked for better kids. I have a wonderful, beautiful little girl and a smart, ridiculously cute little boy. They make me so proud. They are pretty much the only happiness I have in my life. I do not know what I would do without them. I look at them and do feel pure joy.
I am just tired. Tired of trying and not being happy. Tired of not having the will to take care of myself. Tired of not having any energy. Tired of hating myself.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)